Of Trust and Fidelity (Or the Lack Thereof)

Whoah. Big words.

Before I begin writing how I feel about these 2 words here, allow me to assure everyone that this is not about me. Well, at least, not all of it **wink**

Trust, as they say, takes time to build. And like glass, once shattered, one may try to pick the pieces all he wants, but everything will never be the same again.

I’ve heard a lot of stories about broken trust. Damn, it hurts. To have a hunch that your partner is (1) flirting, (2) denying your existence and (3) having an affair could break your heart a thousand times and cut you like crazy. And to finally confirm it, is like rubbing salt to the cuts.

But there are also scenes of “I didn’t see that coming”. Where one very trusting partner is clueless about the other’s misdemeanors. Camera zooms in to the unknowing partner’s shocked and pained face.

No matter what happened and how it happened, cheating can be devastating.

I know. I’ve been cheated on. And I also cheated on a different girlfriend (and silently I hope that I’ve already been forgiven – though probably still blocked from her FB account).

When is cheating, cheating? Is it a kiss? Is it flirting? Is it physical? Is it thinking about someone else when you’re already with someone?

The qualifications vary per person, per couple, per religious group, per culture. I think what matters most is in the beginning of a relationship, boundaries and expectations have been set.

Agree on what’s acceptable and not. And then probably go from there. Having an open communication keeps the devils go away during the most trying times.

I admit, I am a very jealous person. Was, still is. And trusting (and I mean, fully – without paranoia) can be challenging for me after the infidelity of a former girlfriend. That was what, almost 6 years ago. But until this day, I get very weird dreams. Dreams of losing a partner to someone else (yup, I think that’s insecurity dreaming right there), me getting all heart broken all over again.

For the record, the time I spent trying to heal that broken heart (and shattered faith, and zeroed self esteem) was one of the times that I kept myself busy. I was working full time and was also studying fully loaded. I meant it so I didn’t have to spend a second thinking about how she could have done that to me.

Fast forward to 2 years after that heartbreak, I found myself in a strangely familiar situation. I look at (a different person) my then-girlfriend’s eyes and felt that I could never touch her the same way again. She doesn’t know it yet, but I know she’s going to know soon. I was cheating on her.

The only difference was, I broke up with her before she found out. But that’s not supposed to make things a lot easier for her than it was for me. And besides, it wasn’t her fault somebody else jumped off the ship with a different guy a couple years back.

Anyway, so my point was, cheating and being cheated on both feel dreadful. No one should have to go through that. But, why do a lot of people still cheat, or fall in love (or in bed) with someone else?

And how do you really recover from such grief?

After both happened to me, I have been more watchful. I cheated before, so I know the (lame) excuses, the team buildings that she’s not allowed to go to, I’m rendering OT stuff, and, the cold look, the unfeeling touch, and the uncaring bastard that became of me.

I was cheated on so when I’m not involved in the things she does, when her office friends don’t know me as her partner, means greater chance of being paired up with somebody else.

But does this make me less trusting? For the most part, yes. But I am slowly letting go of my fears. It’s not that I don’t trust the people around me, it’s mostly that it was just too painful to ever experience again.

It may not be as easy, but here’s my pledge:

I trust that I won’t be physically and romantically involved with anyone else other than my partner, and she, the same.

I trust that I won’t overpower her in mutual decisions, mistrust her judgments,  and doubt her intentions, and she, the same to me.

I trust that I would be supportive of her career growth (gulps) even if that means, leaving our comfort zone together, and she, the same.

I trust that no other person, disagreement, issue or event will keep us apart, and she will do the same for me.

I trust that in times when she needs me, physically, emotionally, financially, I will be there for her the soonest possible time, and she, to me.

I trust, completely. So help us, God.

with photos from: inspirationalquotes.asia

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